First published on Friday the 22nd of January, 2016, this piece comes in at number 15 in the top 30 most read Villainesse stories of 2016.
There are few things more disturbing than a rogue penis flashing onto your screen. Just casually. Looking all fleshy and, well, dickish. The unwanted dick pic may as well be the dictionary definition of a dick move.
Before we get right to the pointy end of the subject (cough) it needs to be emphasised that, depending on where you live, unwanted dick pics can actually be defined as harassment under cyber laws. Let’s face it, receiving an unsolicited photograph of someone’s genitalia is the online equivalent of some weird dude in a trench coat flopping it out on the street, so don’t hesitate to show the sad amateur pornographer’s self-portrait to the police if you feel at all threatened or harassed.
But if, say, some dude you just met on Tinder has a 3-message rule (1. Hey. 2. You’re sexy. 3. THIS IS MY PENIS.) and you feel like, ahem, telling him to take a long, hard look at himself, may I humbly suggest the following responses?
1. Send him this picture.
2. Or this one.
3. “Yikes. You should probably get that looked at by a doctor.”
4. Film a selfie video taking a violent bite into a cucumber. Chew a lot. Show a lot of teeth. Send it.
5. “Is that your finger?”
6. Find a hammer and an eggplant. Start filming. Place the eggplant on a thick chopping board. Cover all surfaces nearby. Use the hammer to test how much force an eggplant can withstand. Make sure you’ve got the whole thing on camera. Send.
7. Send him this gif.
8. Or this one.
9. Get the blender. Start filming. Proceed to make a banana smoothie. Focus the camera on the banana as it hits the blades. Send.
10. Give them the old block and report. Seriously. Who needs some gross old unwanted dick to ruin their day?