According to Donald Trump, eternal font of wisdom, Hillary Clinton has a ‘women’s card’.
I’m not sure how you sign up for such a magical scheme, but as Trump seems to think that Clinton having a women’s card explains the lion’s share of her [millions of] votes, presumably giving her an easier run, I think I want one.
I mean, who doesn’t want to sign up for a card that will make their life easier? It’d be like finding out you were suddenly eligible for Winston’s SuperGold Card, but way better.
I started thinking about how easy it must be to be the only female candidate left standing in the US election, but soon became distracted by all of the things that we could do with our own women’s cards. Things like:
- Using it to get an 11.8 per cent discount from our yearly earnings.
- Buying ourselves a one in five chance of experiencing a serious sexual assault in our lifetimes.
- Playing it for a lifetime’s supply of sexist and misogynistic abuse on various social networks.
- Flashing it out at social gatherings so people we’ve only just met will know to ask us where our boyfriends are or when we’re going to get married.
- Shoving it into our just-visible bras so that people will know to call us sluts or whores.
- Carrying it around at parties so that drunk men will try to touch us, kiss us, and grope us.
- Swiping it at the supermarket to add the $8 or so that we’ll have to pay every month for period products for as long as our bodies insist on bleeding.
- Taking it along to job interviews so the interviewers can silently try to gauge how likely it is that we’ll have children anytime soon and thus disrupt our careers and their businesses.
- Keeping it in our pockets when we walk down a dark alley, drink alcohol or act in any way that could be deemed to be provocative so that people will know to blame us if anything terrible happens.
- Having it with us at a board meeting, panel discussion, or any other traditionally male-dominated environment so people will know to wonder whether we are the token women.
- Or, bearing it proudly in a national election, so that our competitors can use it to insinuate that people are only voting for us because we are women.
The possibilities are truly endless.