According to American blogger Amanda Lauren, now that I have a ring on it, it is up to me, as a married woman, to not let myself go and stay hot to ‘be both the woman of his fantasies and his reality’.
Yes, you heard me right.
My marital duty, as the female side of the partnership, is not let myself get fat and unappealing to my male spouse. Oh, and according to the same blogger, I need to stay attractive in order for his friends to be jealous too.
Apparently, men are visual creatures. They find the sight of an overweight, make-up free woman, in sweatpants and a hoodie, unappealing, and therefore, unfuckable.
Apparently, we wives don’t give a shit if the reverse is true.
What about husbands holding up their side of the bargain? Isn’t marriage a partnership? Or are we destined to continue reinforcing the idea that men are the ones who decide whether to stay with someone who doesn’t look picture perfect, or dump her for a better looking version.
Cue unhealthy expectations here.
Don’t get me wrong. The idea of lying on the couch stuffing my face with whatever chemically flavoured potato chip I can get my hands on, and not moving my ass for nine hours a day isn’t a life goal I am considering. I don’t particularly want to spend my married life in trackpants and a stained top, belching and farting while scratching my greasy scalp and squeezing the zits on my face while my husband looks on in horror.
But husbands are one half of this marriage business. So where are all the articles and bloggers suggesting ‘How To Stay Hot for Your Wife’ or ‘Lose Those Five Kilos or Lose Her’ for men? The closest thing I have seen or heard in mainstream media lately are ads for erectile dysfunction (because apparently all we women require is a rock-hard penis. Those stud husbands of ours need not worry about the beer belly that may be sitting above it).
Marriage is about seeing one another in all your glory – morning breath and all. You will see each other at your best, and you will see each other at your worst. You may put on a few pounds. You may go grey. There will be wrinkles, stretch marks, or possibly long-term health issues. There will be days when one of you needs building up, and other days where the shoe is on the other foot. It’s not always going to be sunshine, roses and a singing cherub choir.
There will be days when the most you can reasonably expect of one another is an unspoken agreement that lying on the couch eating popcorn and binge-watching the new season of Orange is the New Black is about as intimate as you’re gonna get.
But there will be other days when you both almost wet your pants laughing at a private joke you’ve had for years that no one else gets; or when you have a date night planned and you make the effort to dress up (both of you), put on some sexy knickers and a LBD (maybe not both of you, unless that’s your thing, of course …), talk, flirt, then head home to indulge in some hot and heavy sex, wobbly bits and all.
Or it may be as simple as knowing that if one of you has been a complete asshole that day, the other half wraps you up in a bear hug then hands you a glass of wine.
Now where are my Jimmy Choo’s ….?